Overarching Visions in Vain

Who wouldn’t want a two-parent household filled w/ love. . .and all that comes with it? Many aim for the dream. . .and many fall short. If it all could be so simple. However, family dynamics is probably the most complex of studies. In observing the very complex nature of mine, it became apparent to me that all of it is far beyond my capacity to understand. Doesn’t hurt to try. I’m coming from a place that holds up a traditionally structured social hierarchy that is not built on loving relationships rather financial security. I’m not saying it’s wrong, but I don’t think it makes for the kind of society I envision. It makes for some surface value good times, but for the most part it drives us further and further away from experiencing what “real” love is❣️

In my attempts to not have my son suffer the same fate, I insisted on a two-parent household in which only one parent was emotionally and physically (the majority time) present. Such an easy trap to fall into coming from a single-parent household myself. Some of us tend to overcompensate (in a major way) for what our parents lacked in providing. My time was completely dedicated to my son while his Dad decided to go overboard on expensive items. . .you see where I’m going w/ this. Who put him on the bus, was there when he got off, shuffled him to lessons, cooked dinner while helping him on his projects, and still managed to do everything else? Only I could accomplish such feats. I grew tired of primping his father on being the type of “Dad” I wanted him to be so I enjoyed parenthood alone. Bottom line, as my son got older I became severely, mentally exhausted. I had surpassed the abusive broken household that I came from, but now I was broken. Was it worth it?

I’ve seen the bond w/ a father and child from the outside-looking-in, and I’m rather envious. I believe you get a lot of confidence from your father. I can’t wait to see how my son’s Napoleonic complex (his a little more subdued than his Dad’s) plays out in life. While my son hasn’t endured the trauma of abusive parents, he has not seen an example of a real loving relationship. Honestly, it seems like I upheld the social hierarchy I thought I was so against, right?. An ever evolving vicious-virtuous cycle.